Communication in marriage is an essential component.
Through communication, friendship is built, leading to intimate relations, and into marriage.
No matter how good communicators we are, and no matter the favorable environment, guard against discussions on gender, parents (as well as family of in laws), body size/shape, disability, religious affiliation, and ethnicity.
Statements such as “women are generally…..; men from your place are generally..; your mother/father/brother/sister thinks s/he can…; you are so…(shape/size); your stammering makes me…; your church ….; and people from your tribe…”.
If any of these statements are completed using a scorning word or phrase, intended to create a joke, it has high chances of being taken as an insult.
If one were to comment on their gender, parents etc, the role of the other is to listen. This other can even repeat, paraphrase or just use a minimal prompt to respond to what the other has said.
If the woman says, “I dislike the way my mother treats my dad”… “Yah!” or “Mmh!” may be such like responses from the husband.
Do not fall into the temptation of stating, “Yes, that is true, she even…”.
Such an addition only gets the woman into a defense mode of her family and to viewing the husband as a family adversary, in this case. Such like statements are looked at as attacks not only to families, but to ethnic communities, gender, and those groupings listed previously.
Attention, all the areas noted, are generally permanent.
The woman or man does not belong to the grouping by choice. Even for religious affiliation, a lot is determined by where one found themselves as a child.
Finally, any comments on such grouping often elicits irrational reactions, mainly based on anger and self-defenses. In this way, voices are raised, tempers flair, hands are thrown at each other, and a rift ensues.
For those whose unfortunate reaction is violence, separation and divorce, including litigations are knocking. For those whose reactions involve escape into intoxicants, addictions are near. Different defense mechanisms are easily yet speedily called to motion.
For you that are planning to get married, agree on ways to deal with such sensitive matters.
For those that are years (mainly above ten years) in marriage, find out how you have been dealing with these issues and keep up.
You are doing well, though not as best as you may have desired. You may also find ways of improving your coping styles.
ALL IS NOT LOST !!!
Visits to psychological counsellors may be a possible step. Desist from quacks though, and all those who brand themselves the title counsellors, with a view that it is an easy task, that does not need any adequate formal training, and those that are in it solely for quick money making.
