EXPLORING MARRIAGE

Introduction

While marriage is such a noble societal gem, within which community continuation and sustainability is nurtured, its challenges leave some disillusioned, and in the extreme, dead.

Discussions on marriage, coupled by marriage-related crimes have even left others having a total lack of faith in the institution. This position, juxtaposed with the African traditional position that marriage is an almost MUST stage of human development, and supported by the religious position of celebrating marriage, leaves the young minds and some that are in mal-functioning marriages confused.

In this discussion, I want to fall into neither extremes:

marriage is a bed of roses; marriage is hell.

Having been in marriage for over 30 years, and having journeyed with persons in marriage, through therapy, I desire to contribute to the discourse joining psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists and human rights scholars, amidst others who have spent some time to say something on the institution.

I plan to have my contribution under five main areas: Ideal Stages Leading to Marriage; Notable Circumstances within which Marriages Occur; Cautious Discussion Themes in Marriage; Must-talk Areas for Marital Fruition; and Financial Management Models in Marriage.

Ideal Stages Leading to Marriage

1. Acquaintance: True to the dictionary meaning of the word, acquaintance refers to a basic knowledge of the other. At this level, one’s name, gender, ethnic community, religious affiliation and professionalism may be well known. Those who are familiar with the Johari Window will identify with the pane that is known to all. With an acquaintance, all that is known is that which is in the docket of the public. Neighbours, workmates, and schoolmates, easily fall into this category. It is such a safe platform from which one can operate. For many too, the masks concealing one’s innerness are well placed. This is however, a significant point of entry into subsequent relationships.

2. Friendship: At this level, that is slightly deeper or higher (as one may wish) than the acquaintance stage, the concentration of the sharing is on one’s success stories. Stories of good health, successful family narratives, promotions at work places, Good pay and financial success, are all possible areas of concentration. The dominant conversation is on God’s blessings leading to affluence. This stage has lesser participants compared to the first one. As the themes show, the focus is mainly on the positive side of life. Due to this, this level hardly attracts any fears and subsequent jealous. If A hears, his friend B sharing with C, about A, there is no cause for alarm; all that B knows about A, is positive. Perhaps the only negative statement that B might have concerning A, is that he brags (too much). At this level too, the links have minimal ties. In case of hurt, which is often not so deep, parting is easily done and the friendship easily pushed out. As in the first stage, the friendship level is also needed in the ladder towards intimate relationships.

3. Intimacy: there are those that quickly think of sex, when one talks of going intimate. That position reduces the name intimacy. If not understood in its totality, sex reduces the human interactions into a mere act of reproduction or physical pleasure. Intimacy however, is much more than a sexual act. It entails an opening of oneself to the other. It is allowing the other to enter into your innermost parts, psychologically, spiritually, socially and even culturally. At the level of friendship, it is where A shares his/her woundedness with B. B listens and empathizes with A. In turn B share her/his woundedness with A. In this way, intimacy is reciprocated. It is risking with confidential information. It entails trust that the other person will endear the information, and not use it to harm the origin of the information. Since, at the level of intimacy, deep woundedness and nakedness is shared, it elicits fear pegged on the degree of vulnerability. If A releases confidential information to B, S/he is bound to worry when s/he suspects B of letting out that information to C. It is worth noting that, a release of one’s inner thoughts, feelings, and even secrets/behavior, is a release of oneself. When taken negatively, such information can be used to the character assassination of the source, which is equated to death. If one is lucky to have one or two intimate friends, then it is of importance to treasure such a relationship through maintaining confidentiality. Times spent with such persons is not in vain. How lucky a couple is, if the two manage to go through acquaintance, friendship and then through intimacy. With such integral intimacy, sexual intimacy, develops from mutual consensus. However, some caution is further given in relation to sex: the more the pair is able to share deep sensational matters affecting each and revealing the woundedness of each, before sexual entangling, the more they are comfortable in discussing those matters in their marriage. The vice versa is also true.

4. Marriage: is actually a celebration an authentication of the third level of friendship. Through marriage, a man and a woman (not going towards same sex marriages) of mature age, as per the constitutions of the said country, exchange vows to officially live together. In the Christian church, the living together is “till death do them part” Hence, “what God has united, no human being can put asunder”. In this way, marriage is life long. From the African perspective, marriage is not a bond between two persons, but rather between two families. Marriage converted the man from being a boy into being a man, and the girl into being a woman. The building to house the couple changed its name. Based on this, a home was created. Due to this unity, divorce among Africans was a very unwelcome phenomenon and to some unfathomable. Despite challenges that came with marriage, as well as any changes of thought, marriage remained indissoluble. It is within this unit that children found a safe haven, to be born and nurtured to maturity. The elderly and the sick also found solace and comfort. Justice was realized and integral protection was accorded all members. Within marriage, status was cultivated and maintained. Even for the celibates, birth, nurturance and vocation is within marriage. The celibates in turn are meant to serve the marriage and those within it. Marriage forms the family, the microcosm of society. How ideal it would be if persons headed for marriage allowed relationships, devoid of pressure, grew through each of the four stages!

Though ideal is too much to expect, for those whose marriage came as a snap shot, those that needed sexual relief only to end in marriage, those whose sobriety came to awaken them to a marriage, all is not lost!

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